What's on my tie?
This morning as we rushed to school (one minute later than I wanted - as usual), #3 held up his plaid tie like it was a dead rodent. And, he asked, "Mom? What's on my tie?" With typical mom-flexibility, I stretched my arm 6 feet into the backseat and blindly grabbed the object of his disdain. It had sort of a crunchy consistency.
Hmm. "Why is it ORANGE, #3??"
"Idunno"
"Why is it crunchy??"
"Idunno"
...sniff sniff... "Do you, by any chance, have (sniff, sniff) peanut butter cheese crackers in your backpack???!!"
"OH MANNNN! It's all over the bottom of my backpack!!"
So, now the unenviable task of trying to turn a PBcheese-dredged Catholic plaid tie into something presentable to the guardian angels at Our Lady of Perpetual Excess. Driving one-handed, holding the tie on the floor of the van with one foot, coaxing #1 to brush off the crust with a day-old Wendy's napkin - there! One slightly cheesy clip-on tie!
Thankfully, they don't give demerits to 3rd graders - even if they smell like peanut butter.
Tomorrow, we'll clean the backpack.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Hallowed be Thy Name
When #1 was 4 or 5, he asked me why God has so many names. I was really thrilled that all of our efforts to enrich his little life spiritually were paying off with truly Christian curiosity. I asked him what he meant.
"Well, there's Messiah, and Father, and Jesus, and God, and Howard"
"Huh? Howard?"
"You know. 'Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
It was that same year that Grandpa ruined Heaven for him. As Grandpa was driving him home, they passed a cemetery. #1 asked what all those odd-looking rocks were. Grandpa saw this as such a beautiful teaching moment.
"Well, sonny, those are headstones"
...blank stare...
"Headstones are markers of the dead"
"But why do they put them all in the middle of a cold field, Grandpa? "
"That's where they bury people when they die"
"What?!? The Priest said that people go to Heaven when they die. That's not true?!?"
"Well, of course... uh... yes, that's what I meant, I... "
Hey Thanks Grandpa!
When #1 was 4 or 5, he asked me why God has so many names. I was really thrilled that all of our efforts to enrich his little life spiritually were paying off with truly Christian curiosity. I asked him what he meant.
"Well, there's Messiah, and Father, and Jesus, and God, and Howard"
"Huh? Howard?"
"You know. 'Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...'"
It was that same year that Grandpa ruined Heaven for him. As Grandpa was driving him home, they passed a cemetery. #1 asked what all those odd-looking rocks were. Grandpa saw this as such a beautiful teaching moment.
"Well, sonny, those are headstones"
...blank stare...
"But why do they put them all in the middle of a cold field, Grandpa? "
"That's where they bury people when they die"
"What?!? The Priest said that people go to Heaven when they die. That's not true?!?"
"Well, of course... uh... yes, that's what I meant, I... "
Hey Thanks Grandpa!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It Still Fits!
Mom, it still fits!
You know the conversation... you're cleaning out closets and drawers in a mad frenzy to clear space for next year's school clothes. Each item that you stuff in the bag gets dragged out with a mournful wail, "But, mo-o-o-o-om, it still f-i-i-i-ts!"
I've found a couple of solutions, though. He/she whines in the background like a 15 year old washer on high spin. This gives me time to think (HA!)...
1. LOGIC: "ok, fine, put all the things that fit in THAT pile, and you can try them on once we've finished." Usually, this results in a garment being torn at the seams, and more wailing. But, I am successful in getting him/her to realize that 'their old clothes shrunk' (blame it on the clothes, not the kid's growth spurt).
2. DECEPTION "This bag that I'm stuffing? This bag is stuff that I'm saving for next summer/ winter. " Then, after they're asleep, the bag goes in the trunk, and on to the Goodwill
3. ALTRUISM "These clothes are for some poor little boy/girl who only has an old pillowcase to wear to school. If you share some of your clothes, then there will be another kid out there with something to wear besides a pillowcase (ok, so there's a little deception).
4. GUILT "I'm only getting rid of the clothes that you don't put away. If you would put them away, I wouldn't have to give them away.
5. WANTON INDULGENCE "Once we clear these drawers, then we can fill them with brand new clothes! I'll go get my Mastercard" (I have never done this, but, hey, give it a try and let me know how it works!)
You know the conversation... you're cleaning out closets and drawers in a mad frenzy to clear space for next year's school clothes. Each item that you stuff in the bag gets dragged out with a mournful wail, "But, mo-o-o-o-om, it still f-i-i-i-ts!"
I've found a couple of solutions, though. He/she whines in the background like a 15 year old washer on high spin. This gives me time to think (HA!)...
1. LOGIC: "ok, fine, put all the things that fit in THAT pile, and you can try them on once we've finished." Usually, this results in a garment being torn at the seams, and more wailing. But, I am successful in getting him/her to realize that 'their old clothes shrunk' (blame it on the clothes, not the kid's growth spurt).
2. DECEPTION "This bag that I'm stuffing? This bag is stuff that I'm saving for next summer/ winter. " Then, after they're asleep, the bag goes in the trunk, and on to the Goodwill
3. ALTRUISM "These clothes are for some poor little boy/girl who only has an old pillowcase to wear to school. If you share some of your clothes, then there will be another kid out there with something to wear besides a pillowcase (ok, so there's a little deception).
4. GUILT "I'm only getting rid of the clothes that you don't put away. If you would put them away, I wouldn't have to give them away.
5. WANTON INDULGENCE "Once we clear these drawers, then we can fill them with brand new clothes! I'll go get my Mastercard" (I have never done this, but, hey, give it a try and let me know how it works!)
Friday, September 11, 2009
It hurts like the Chickens!
This is what my five year old said not too long ago. She was complaining about a broken toenail, pleading with me to finish what I was doing so that I could come to her rescue and fix it. "Please Mom! It hurts like the chickens!" She's as cute as a bug.
"Narp-denar!" This is what #1 would shout whenever we drove around the bend to grandma and grandpa's house. He was about 1 1/2, almost 2. I couldn't figure out what the heck he was saying, until one day, we saw a commercial on TV and he started shouting it again. It was a commercial for Menards, and they sang that catchy line "Save big money AT MENARDS". He chanted along with them "See big mommy narp-denar". Then they showed the Menards sign on the commercial. That was it! Everytime we drove by the blasted Menards, he saw the sign and sang the jingle. And God only knows why he thought I was "narp-denar-ing".
This is what my five year old said not too long ago. She was complaining about a broken toenail, pleading with me to finish what I was doing so that I could come to her rescue and fix it. "Please Mom! It hurts like the chickens!" She's as cute as a bug.
"Narp-denar!" This is what #1 would shout whenever we drove around the bend to grandma and grandpa's house. He was about 1 1/2, almost 2. I couldn't figure out what the heck he was saying, until one day, we saw a commercial on TV and he started shouting it again. It was a commercial for Menards, and they sang that catchy line "Save big money AT MENARDS". He chanted along with them "See big mommy narp-denar". Then they showed the Menards sign on the commercial. That was it! Everytime we drove by the blasted Menards, he saw the sign and sang the jingle. And God only knows why he thought I was "narp-denar-ing".
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Definition of CLEAN
Definition of CLEAN
Kids have a different definition of 'clean' than any other species on this planet.
CLEAN bathroom means that only 'clean' towels are hung up, and all towels that aren't clean remain on the floor and are reclassified as RUGS.
CLEAN kitchen means that all cookies, brownies, and chips have been removed from all surfaces.
CLEAN backyard means that anything left behind is too small to break the mower when it's run over, or it belongs to a sibling, and therefore does not count
CLEAN bedroom means that most food has been removed. All magazines are conveniently stowed beneath the bed.
CLEAN living room means that all video controllers have been located and re-docked in their charging stations.
This is why parents still yell.
Kids have a different definition of 'clean' than any other species on this planet.
CLEAN bathroom means that only 'clean' towels are hung up, and all towels that aren't clean remain on the floor and are reclassified as RUGS.
CLEAN kitchen means that all cookies, brownies, and chips have been removed from all surfaces.
CLEAN backyard means that anything left behind is too small to break the mower when it's run over, or it belongs to a sibling, and therefore does not count
CLEAN bedroom means that most food has been removed. All magazines are conveniently stowed beneath the bed.
CLEAN living room means that all video controllers have been located and re-docked in their charging stations.
This is why parents still yell.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
"I don't have any homework tonight" -
When I was a kid, I could get away with this often. I was one of the oldest kids in my grade (up until 9th grade when I skipped), so I could handle the workload a lot better than the others. But, inevitably, I'd mess something up, and forget an assignment. No worries, I'd tell myself. I'll do it tomorrow. Mom'll never know, and I'll be ridin' my bike down Main St in no time! She was none-the wiser. By the time report cards came out, I had patched up my grade with extra credit assignments and a little extra studying for the tests.
My kids also have tried this. But, in this era of technology, I can spy on them. The school posts all the homework assignments each day. They also post the gradebooks, with all late assignments noted.
They will occasionally tell (lie to) me, and say they finished it in class. Again, I'm on to them! They don't realize that I've studied the ancient art of face-reading. With #3, I can tell by that little twitch in the space betwen his eyebrows. #2 doesn't realize that she blushes when she lies. #1 has a curious white spot that appears beneath his nose when he lies. #4 looks all crazy-eyed, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling, screwing her mouth up into funny shapes, and wiggling her feet like a Rockette on speed. She hasn't practiced much.
How do you know when your kids are hiding their homework?
When I was a kid, I could get away with this often. I was one of the oldest kids in my grade (up until 9th grade when I skipped), so I could handle the workload a lot better than the others. But, inevitably, I'd mess something up, and forget an assignment. No worries, I'd tell myself. I'll do it tomorrow. Mom'll never know, and I'll be ridin' my bike down Main St in no time! She was none-the wiser. By the time report cards came out, I had patched up my grade with extra credit assignments and a little extra studying for the tests.
My kids also have tried this. But, in this era of technology, I can spy on them. The school posts all the homework assignments each day. They also post the gradebooks, with all late assignments noted.
They will occasionally tell (lie to) me, and say they finished it in class. Again, I'm on to them! They don't realize that I've studied the ancient art of face-reading. With #3, I can tell by that little twitch in the space betwen his eyebrows. #2 doesn't realize that she blushes when she lies. #1 has a curious white spot that appears beneath his nose when he lies. #4 looks all crazy-eyed, rolling her eyes up to the ceiling, screwing her mouth up into funny shapes, and wiggling her feet like a Rockette on speed. She hasn't practiced much.
How do you know when your kids are hiding their homework?
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